Optimistic

Yep that’s what I want to be. I need to quit always looking at the sad side of things and began to see the opportunity of something. I’m sure at one time when people looked at me they didn’t see too much brightness or happiness but when God looked at me he saw beauty and what I could be! I want to be that way and I think God has been showing me lately how I need to start seeing the good in people and in situations. I tend to see the good in people but not in circumstances, especially my own circumstances and situations.

I’ve been pessimistic without realizing it for as long as I can remember but I’m throwing off the old pessimistic ways and taking on a new outlook at things! If I can see it I can have it! If I can dream it, it can happen! I know it might sound ridiculous but I’m actually quite serious. Life is so short and I know pain exists in this world and I have had my share of it in life, I’ve been hurt, broken hearted, abused and mistreated but haven’t we all? I would much rather brighten someone else’s day with a kind word and a happy spirit than be gloomy and wonder where life is going! If I can’t change it then I can always just make the best out of it!
I know what it’s like to sit in my room night after night with the tears flowing wondering where God is and what’s happening, it was in those moments that I broke down more than a few walls inside my heart and let God take the pain from inside me. It’s in those moments that I began to trust in his hand and it’s when I did that that everything changed! Do you see the link? When everything was broken and shattered I begin to trust in God and all the worry and fretting, angry thoughts, useless feelings were all gone and I could have trusted that whole entire time! I could have just said “I don’t know where I’m going but I know whose leading me” and it would have been so completely different! The bible says with the faith of a mustard seed you could move mountains. I always applied that to things like I have faith that God can heal me or that God can do this or that, I never really thought of it as trust. Faith and trust are so closely related you almost can’t separate them. I have faith in Jesus therefore I trust that he knows what he’s doing. I trust in him because I have faith that he can do anything!

Here’s a key that I learned the hard way. When everything is falling apart and you feel like falling apart, trust him but also praise him. Seriously, just stop what you’re doing, if you can, and sit somewhere quiet and begin to praise him and tell him how good he is. It does amazing things!

Also, reach out to others. In the worst moments of your life there is almost always someone who has it worse than you do. Help others! Smile at someone and talk to someone who seems lonely or like their hurting. When you are in pain, its crazy I know but it works, reach out and talk to someone let them know you care and that you are there for them.

The bible backs me up on this too. The bible says in 1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care on him, for he cares for you.” In James 5:11 it says “Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; (the end of the Lord meaning that in the end of Jobs suffering the Lord gave him more than he ever had before) that the Lord is very pitiful (which means very compassionate) and of tender mercy.”

So… the choice is up to you.

To be happy or not to be happy…

Where you are thats where I am
I want to be in your perfect plan
I want to say through the pain
It wasnt all in vain
that where I am is where youll be
leading through the storms of life
calming the raging sea
within me

WERE STILL STANDING
GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL
GOD IS STILL GOD
GOD IS STILL ON HIS THRONE

THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE! HAH! Devil dont EVEN think your winning!
I WILL NOT BOW! GOD IS MY GOD AND I AM HIS!

YOU MAY have THOUGHT you won the last round! Maybe you think I give up easy?
OH BUT ITS NOT OVER! I GOT MOREEEEEE IN ME!
You thought I gave uP! You thought I sat down!
BUT I AM STANDING AND NOW I’M MAD!

You hit me hard I should be knocked down…
Things I been through I dont even wanna talk about
YOU CROSSED THE LINE! I want it back!

OHhhhhhh IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO BE AFTER THE STORM YOU WOULDNT HAVE EVEN BOTHERED ME!!!!

Something else…
I dont always feel full spiritually. Often times I’m like “Oh Jesus I dont feel that I’ve done anything at all today” and I think about it and realize my thoughts have been on him nearly all day, I prayed that day, I’ve spent hours in his word… but yet theres that emptyness that yearns for Him. I think he likes that, I dont think its a bad thing either because its not that “empty” emptyness! Its that peaceful stillness that completely calms your heart and mind… its like the difference between silences, If you were standing at the bottom of the grand canyon on by yourself it would be very silent but it you were standing at the highest place at the grand canyon all by yourself thats like a completely different silence!

All I see is walls at the bottom that are surrounding me and they seem so tall…
Sometimes I follow the path that I’m on and I end up at a dead end.
The silence is unbearable at times and I cry out to God but I only hear my voice echoing back at me
The silence at the bottom of the spiritual Grand Canyon is an empty emptyness.

But when I climb higher praise God I start to see things
I can see the paths that I’ve traveled and the ones to come
I can see where I took the wrong turn and the path I should have taken
but most of all I can see the vastness of God
I can look out over it all and just stand
The emptyness and the silence is still there
But its a different kind of silence
Its a differnt kind of emptyness!

How do you get from the bottom of the grand canyon to the top?
You climb.

Higher and higher in God!
Never giving up
Even when the path gets rough
and theres no footholds
when your holding on only with your hands
and it feels like your going to fall
and sometimes you do…

You get up
You reach up to that first hand hold and you take ahold of it
and climb!
Never being satisfied with the ledge of spiritualness that you are at…
Sure you might can look down and be like “wow I am higher than so many people” and be content to stay there but I dare you to look up even if it seems impossible to climb higher
CLIMB!

There are peaks you have never reached that are more glorious than you have ever experienced!
Right when you think you have gotten to the top you look up to realize the vastness of God
and how much higher that you can reach!

Dont ever stop climbing! Dont ever reach a ledge full of people high in the sky and be content to stay there with them! Dont ever think your better than the ones at the bottom either because at one time you were there to and you could fall just like them.

Psalm 27:8 (King James Version)
When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

Psalm 27:8 (Amplified Bible)
You have said, Seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your vital need]. My heart says to You, Your face (Your presence), Lord, will I seek, inquire for, and require [of necessity and on the authority of Your Word].

Psalm 27:8 (New Living Translation)
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”

Hide me underneath your wings
Let me know that that peace again
Let me know what surrender means
Forgive me of this person I’ve become
Can you restore such a one?
Send someone my way to help me through all this
Let me say one more time I love you and that will never change
Hide me underneath your wings
Let me feel you there with your arms around me
I am asking you just one more time Jesus
Hide me underneath your wings

You’ve been my shelter from the rain
You’ve been my friend when I was alone
You’ve been so good to me
Why do I offer you everything with my heart closed in a fist
Why do you have to cause pain before I fall to my knee’s and cry
Father I need you!
In my darkness you shine your light and I can see my way

-Kiah Marshall

Break my will God
Break these things that seem to big for me to handle
Break me so I can know what surrender means
I wanna stand in your will for me
Break my will so I can see through this mess
If I can put it in your hands I know you’ll take care of it
Cause your bigger and see the bigger pictures even when I can’t

I know these things arent to big for you to handle
you’ve been there all along even when I dident deserve you
you’ve waited for me to go home and realize
that I’ve been wasting my life out in the world
where they say there my friends but leave me high and dry
So here and now I want yo to know
I am home and I wont ever leave you again…

Break every part of me until your satisfied with me
touch this heart in a way that only you can
help me to see that your will is better for me

-Kiah Marshall

Jesus I believe in you
Jesus I belong to you
Your the reason that I live
The reason I sing with all I am

Are u struggling making sense of anything? If your a child of God.. trust him and follow him.
When faith fails TRUST kicks in! God is still on his throne and he has not forgotten you.
Read the bible and get scriptures in your heart and mind and when something comes to your mind that brings doubt start quoting scriptures! A scripture that really helped me was

“Trust in the Lord with thine whole heart and lean not to thine own understanding” Proverbs 3:…?

I’m stumbling… fumbling… around in the dark
I’m getting more lost as the seconds tick by
I’m not getting anywhere
Lord where am I?

Where do I go?
What do I do?
When I don’t have a clue
I stand
I stand
I stand
I stand and wait
I don’t make a move
I don’t make a sound
I let the tears fall
Silently to the ground
And Stand

The clouds are not breakin
And the way is not clear
I don’t want to go forward
Your voice I need to hear

When I don’t want to go on
Show me the way
Help me be strong
Till the breaking of day

Empty eyes reflect empty hearts
a world lost and hopless
Empty smiles with empty words
a love gone dry

I know what it takes
I have the map!
I have the location
and the spot marked X
but will they see it?

Blind eyes reflect no vision
where they focused on compromise
Cold hands reflect backward glances
unfit for the kingdom of God

I want to scream it
I want to shout it out
I want the world to see
I have a map and a key
It was given to me
and it works everytime
But will they use it?

Do they truly want the remedy?
Or just a cheap version
Do they want to be healed
or just have the symptoms go away

Its the highway of holiness
its taking up your cross
its saying no to a mixture
its giving God your all

Theres nothing like it
and it costs to get it
Gods blood bought it
Will you walk it?

I was finally getting over most of my depression, I had friends and was actually happy for the first time in a long time. Thats when people from my past tried to get into my life and I’m not kidding it was one thing after the other… almost seriously like everything that I had built in the past few months almost a year was crashing down around me and all I could was stare in disbelief…  I can remember being numb driving all the way home… when I got home I didnt even undress or turn on the lights in my room. I turned on the fan and sat there on the floor in front of my closet and the tears came in torrents. God why? God why? Havnt I had enough pain?! I have been through more pain that a whole lot of my friends! and here it is happening all over again… I did not want to give into that spirit of oppression/depression that I felt so strong but that was just it… it was so strong. Most people dont even make it to this point! They never get out of the rut of depression and I cant imagine what would have happened if I had not gotten out of it.

Are you wondering how I got out of it? I didnt even expect to that day. Some people might have full deliverence from depression and that is so good and they are SO blessed, but I didnt. My parents made me go to a church meeting that I did not want to go to and when we arrived there were so many people that I just wanted to hide. Thousands of people were there. We went into the huge service room and I sat at the back. I didnt plan on doing anything… had never done anything before really… I mean I was raised in a Christian home but I was so confused about God. I didnt know him and never had. Something happened that I had never experienced before, the people on the front pews started praying really loud and it spread like wildfire all across that building… I Immediatly felt something break inside me although I did nothing on the outside something was speaking to me on the inside. I promise you I had never felt Gods love before… I had a  warped reality of God I guess.. I imagined him harsh and always looking for the things I did wrong when all he wanted was for me to give it to him and he would give me joy unimaginable. I didnt know that though and I resisted that at first. It was like he said “Come here” “Come here” “Emilee Come” and I wanted to but I didnt want to put my trust and hope in something that was going to let me down again because SO MANY times I had decided “Just this one more time I will trust” only for it to be thrown away like sugar in the wind… I couldnt risk it.

But the praying around me didnt stop and neither did that voice. The preaching went on and I dont even remember what it was about… all I remember clearly is the praying before the service and the after service. The after service nobody prayed for me or with me. I was all by myself when I walked up closely to the front as I could and felt that grab at my heart so strong but this time it was like God said “Let it go” I wanted to cry but I knew my parents were watching me… I dont know why that mattered so much but it did. But you know I started crying… I just let it come. I dont remember if I raised my hands but I do know that I hadnt cried that hard in a very very very long time. I told God how sorry I was that I had been the way I had been and felt a peace. I had no clue what to do next… we ended up visiting this church where I met this guy and thought he was wonderful. I was way to weak spiritually and emotionally to be even talking to a guy then but I didnt know this. I got involved with him and we dated for about 3 months. Everything about it was so wrong… I often wonder to myself “How could I be so stupid” but I was and I did and thats the way it will always be cause I cant go back and change anything… NOTHING in my past! Not even what happened when I was a little girl which I wont go into but I cant change it! I wish I could sometimes… maybe people wouldnt despise me so much or quit talking to me but you know what? I had no control over what happened so therefore I cant dwell on it even though the scars are still there.

Anyways, after I broke up with that guy I felt worse than before… Now on top of my knowing that I had no control over my past and trying to get past that I had regret over things that I DID have control over… I repented so much… I asked God to please let me let it go, for him to take the pain away. The scars is still there to this day. And you know I was thinking the other day about a song on the radio and it said something about the scars on Jesus’s hands and side and I was like wow… he died for us and he rose again but even through all that the scars were still there! Just because something happens in your past and it hurts and you need to give it to God does not mean that the scars will go away…

I’m not a super smart person… and honestly I probably would have thrown the towel in so to speak long before this if it wasnt for God coming down to worthless me and once again picking me up and forgiving me.. Oh thank you Jesus.

I still deal with pain coming back in my life… I still hurt and wish and pray and ask God to help me and he always does… he always does! I am not depressed though. I deal with depression trying to come back to me but all I have to do is get down and pray to God and it goes away. Prayer is the only way! ITS THE ONLY WAY!

Are you really sick of being depressed?
Do you feel absolutly nothing anymore?
No emotions… nothing at all?
Believe me I KNOW it is so hopeless and drowning
Sometimes the simplest things like going somewhere to buy something was so terrible I just wanted to stay home… I remember taking pills to ease the pain. Yes me… I did that! And I know that if I did it and had so many thoughts and was so depressed I KNOW that there is so many others out there! And some that will even read this through and not believe it… thats your choice and I can honestly promise you… If you give it to God through prayer (go read my other post “Praying Clear Through”) And you begin to pray to God everyday and read his word… READ HIS WORD! That helps so much… search it out and get hope from it… if you are depressed and dont want to pray… if you dont believe anything I tell you I challenge you to read a chapter of Phillipians and psals everyday for 2 or 3 weeks and tell me what happens. Feast upon the word! When you read a verse that speaks to you close your eyes and repeat it.

God is real and God is here. Depression is real and depression is HERE in this world, all over the place, everywhere you look… empty eyes that reflect empty hearts… its dying for lack of a VOICE that says THERE IS A REMEDY! I PROMISE this works OH if you would only believe and try it! Jesus is the healer! He is the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE!
If your dealing with depression and you need someone to talk to comment me and I will give you my email address and I will so very gladly talk to you about whatever you need help with =)

Shalom! (Gods peace)