Tough Teens 4 Tough Times

Something that has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with is depression. When it hits you its overwhelming and it doesnt seem like you can fight it, especially when all you want to do is give in and let it swallow you up in the tears and pain. I remember very clearly the nights, and btw it still hits me sometimes, that I curled up in a ball in my dark room and asked God why… I wanted him to take the pain! Because honestly it felt like it was going to swallow me up and lose me in the darkness that I felt.

I was finally getting over most of my depression, I had friends and was actually happy for the first time in a long time. Thats when people from my past tried to get into my life and I’m not kidding it was one thing after the other… almost seriously like everything that I had built in the past few months almost a year was crashing down around me and all I could was stare in disbelief…  I can remember being numb driving all the way home… when I got home I didnt even undress or turn on the lights in my room. I turned on the fan and sat there on the floor in front of my closet and the tears came in torrents. God why? God why? Havnt I had enough pain?! I have been through more pain that a whole lot of my friends! and here it is happening all over again… I did not want to give into that spirit of oppression/depression that I felt so strong but that was just it… it was so strong. Most people dont even make it to this point! They never get out of the rut of depression and I cant imagine what would have happened if I had not gotten out of it.

Are you wondering how I got out of it? I didnt even expect to that day. Some people might have full deliverence from depression and that is so good and they are SO blessed, but I didnt. My parents made me go to a church meeting that I did not want to go to and when we arrived there were so many people that I just wanted to hide. Thousands of people were there. We went into the huge service room and I sat at the back. I didnt plan on doing anything… had never done anything before really… I mean I was raised in a Christian home but I was so confused about God. I didnt know him and never had. Something happened that I had never experienced before, the people on the front pews started praying really loud and it spread like wildfire all across that building… I Immediatly felt something break inside me although I did nothing on the outside something was speaking to me on the inside. I promise you I had never felt Gods love before… I had a  warped reality of God I guess.. I imagined him harsh and always looking for the things I did wrong when all he wanted was for me to give it to him and he would give me joy unimaginable. I didnt know that though and I resisted that at first. It was like he said “Come here” “Come here” “Emilee Come” and I wanted to but I didnt want to put my trust and hope in something that was going to let me down again because SO MANY times I had decided “Just this one more time I will trust” only for it to be thrown away like sugar in the wind… I couldnt risk it.

But the praying around me didnt stop and neither did that voice. The preaching went on and I dont even remember what it was about… all I remember clearly is the praying before the service and the after service. The after service nobody prayed for me or with me. I was all by myself when I walked up closely to the front as I could and felt that grab at my heart so strong but this time it was like God said “Let it go” I wanted to cry but I knew my parents were watching me… I dont know why that mattered so much but it did. But you know I started crying… I just let it come. I dont remember if I raised my hands but I do know that I hadnt cried that hard in a very very very long time. I told God how sorry I was that I had been the way I had been and felt a peace. I had no clue what to do next… we ended up visiting this church where I met this guy and thought he was wonderful. I was way to weak spiritually and emotionally to be even talking to a guy then but I didnt know this. I got involved with him and we dated for about 3 months. Everything about it was so wrong… I often wonder to myself “How could I be so stupid” but I was and I did and thats the way it will always be cause I cant go back and change anything… NOTHING in my past! Not even what happened when I was a little girl which I wont go into but I cant change it! I wish I could sometimes… maybe people wouldnt despise me so much or quit talking to me but you know what? I had no control over what happened so therefore I cant dwell on it even though the scars are still there.

Anyways, after I broke up with that guy I felt worse than before… Now on top of my knowing that I had no control over my past and trying to get past that I had regret over things that I DID have control over… I repented so much… I asked God to please let me let it go, for him to take the pain away. The scars is still there to this day. And you know I was thinking the other day about a song on the radio and it said something about the scars on Jesus’s hands and side and I was like wow… he died for us and he rose again but even through all that the scars were still there! Just because something happens in your past and it hurts and you need to give it to God does not mean that the scars will go away…

I’m not a super smart person… and honestly I probably would have thrown the towel in so to speak long before this if it wasnt for God coming down to worthless me and once again picking me up and forgiving me.. Oh thank you Jesus.

I still deal with pain coming back in my life… I still hurt and wish and pray and ask God to help me and he always does… he always does! I am not depressed though. I deal with depression trying to come back to me but all I have to do is get down and pray to God and it goes away. Prayer is the only way! ITS THE ONLY WAY!

Are you really sick of being depressed?
Do you feel absolutly nothing anymore?
No emotions… nothing at all?
Believe me I KNOW it is so hopeless and drowning
Sometimes the simplest things like going somewhere to buy something was so terrible I just wanted to stay home… I remember taking pills to ease the pain. Yes me… I did that! And I know that if I did it and had so many thoughts and was so depressed I KNOW that there is so many others out there! And some that will even read this through and not believe it… thats your choice and I can honestly promise you… If you give it to God through prayer (go read my other post “Praying Clear Through”) And you begin to pray to God everyday and read his word… READ HIS WORD! That helps so much… search it out and get hope from it… if you are depressed and dont want to pray… if you dont believe anything I tell you I challenge you to read a chapter of Phillipians and psals everyday for 2 or 3 weeks and tell me what happens. Feast upon the word! When you read a verse that speaks to you close your eyes and repeat it.

God is real and God is here. Depression is real and depression is HERE in this world, all over the place, everywhere you look… empty eyes that reflect empty hearts… its dying for lack of a VOICE that says THERE IS A REMEDY! I PROMISE this works OH if you would only believe and try it! Jesus is the healer! He is the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE!
If your dealing with depression and you need someone to talk to comment me and I will give you my email address and I will so very gladly talk to you about whatever you need help with =)

Shalom! (Gods peace)